Love Means Never Buying Your Wife Fat Pants

Posted on: May 22, 2008

It is just no one told my husband.
 
Last week marked my SIX MONTH wedding anniversary, and while both my mom and Pep’s dad made fun of us for celebrating, we did anyway. We had a nice romantic dinner. He bought me roses. We reminisced about our wedding day. He gave me fat pants.
 
I kid you not.
 
There is, however, a story there.
 
A few months ago Pep saw an advertisement on TV for pants that reduce cellulite and inches. Apparently, all you have to do is wear them to notice a change (or you can work out in them to stimulate fat loss, but I don’t recommend that option). I walked in the room immediately following this commercial to which he said, “Can you believe that crap? Pants that make you lose weight…” or something along those lines.
 
I replied with, “I’d LOVE those pants… I’d wear them.”
 
You can imagine Pep’s surprise when I eagerly unwrapped my present, opened the box, held up the gift, and asked, “Is it a bad sign when your husband gives you FAT PANTS for your anniversary?”
 
I would give anything to go back to that moment and have my camera.
 
Shocked look. Open mouth. “But… but… you said you wanted them!”
 
Being the confident lass I am, I thanked Pep for the gift and immediately tried them on, for I accepted this present in the nature it was given.
 
“But how did you know my size?” I asked him.
 
“I had to measure your jeans.”
 
To which I got the most precious mental image of him holding up my David Kahns with a measuring stick.
 
After faithfully wearing my fat pants for five mornings, I can’t say if I notice a difference. I’m definitely not fatter, which is, ya know, a good thing. And it is possible my thighs a tad bit slimmer. It’s possible. It is! It is possible!
 
Well, I don’t know.
 
What about you? Would you get insulted if your honey bought you fat pants, and men… would you buy them?
 
Here’s hoping all of your gift giving experiences are as fun as this one. Happy LT!
 

NO THREE FALL ON THIS NIGHT, JUST A FREE FALL

The Boston Globe (Boston, MA) November 22, 2001 | PETER MAY, GLOBE STAFF No turkey jokes today. But it’s not for a lack of material. The Celtics gave us plenty last night.

They lost, at home, to an Atlanta Hawks team that had not won a road game since Feb. 18, a stretch of 21 straight setbacks away from cozy Philips Arena. They lost, at home, to an Atlanta Hawks team that had played the night before in Indiana, blowing a 21-point lead in that one. Boston, meanwhile, had had three days since its last game. They lost, at home, to an Atlanta Hawks team that had beaten them four days earlier. website iron man games

They lost because, for the second straight time against Atlanta, they insisted on relying on 3-point shooting to bail them out. They hoisted a franchise-record 37 treys last Saturday. They followed that up with 29 last night, missing a mind-boggling 25.

Jim O’Brien encourages what he calls “open threes,” but what’s the point if they aren’t made? Erick Strickland had an open three last night, pulling up in transition with no one even close to getting a possible rebound. He missed, and the Hawks got the rebound. That’s an open three – and a dumb shot.

The next team that wins consistently relying on 3-point shooting will be the first. Almost one of every three shots by Boston last night was a trey. Last Saturday, nearly half (37 of 81 attempts) were treys. They lost both times.

The Celtics are averaging an astonishing 25 three-pointers a game. Twenty-five. That represents 31 percent of their field goal attempts. Only one other team – Milwaukee – is averaging as many as 20 treys per game. The seducing stat for the Celtics is that they are connecting on 39.7 percent. (It was 43.6 percent before last night’s Bob The Builder performance.) “We are going to continue to take them,” said Antoine Walker, who took eight last night, a little below his average. “We miss, we miss.” You miss, you usually lose. The Celtics have taken more threes than free throws in four games this season (including last night), and they are 1-3 in those contests.

But the 4-for-29 submission from international waters was only one of many mystifying things that happened to O’Brien’s crew last night. You’re going to see missed treys again. Some of the other things were (the Celtics hope) one-time occurrences that pointed to a bizarre night and an inevitable result.

The calendar may say it’s Thanksgiving, but at times last night you would have sworn it was Halloween. Or the night of the Sports Illustrated curse.

We saw Paul Pierce and Antoine Walker work a pick and roll. Walker broke to the basket. Pierce threw a pass that hit an unaware Walker in the back and caromed out of bounds. ironmangamesnow.com iron man games

We saw the generally sure-handed Walker bring the ball up the floor and inexplicably lose control. As the ball was rolling out of bounds, he jumped to grab it and hoped for a timeout call from the referees. No chance.

We saw Pierce try to throw a downcourt bullet to Strickland, but the ball took off as if it had a mind of its own. No one was near Pierce or Strickland, but the pass went out of bounds.

We saw Pierce play in foul trouble all game (33 minutes) while Walker played his usual iron-man game (45 minutes) and somehow had seven shots blocked. For all the times we like to see Walker down low, he was smothered repeatedly last night.

Those two, incidentally, are featured rather prominently in this week’s SI (although they are not on the cover). The timing could not be worse. The story talks about their bonding on and off the court. Last night, they looked like utter strangers at times.

“I don’t know. It’s weird,” Strickland said. “We played like we haven’t played in a long time.” In truth, they hadn’t played in a long time – four days. The Celtics are finishing up a stretch of only three games in 13 days, and they were 1-2 in those games. On all three occasions, they had time between games while their opponent played the night before.

And, amazingly, they had a chance to pull this one out, which would have made for a richly undeserved victory. They got to within 87-85 with 100 seconds left, but the estimable Shareef Abdur-Rahim followed with a tough turnaround over Tony Battie 20 seconds later. The Celtics would not score again, and the Hawks salted it away at the free throw line.

When O’Brien tries to cue this one up on the videotape machine, he’s going to get one of those warning boxes with the red exclamation point and a message stating that there has been a system error and he is going to lose all the material. Then he will smile. Or at least he should. This one isn’t worth the disk space.

PETER MAY, GLOBE STAFF

pixel Love Means Never Buying Your Wife Fat Pants

Category: All About Me, Italians, My Bella Vita Features

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25 Responses

  1. That’s hilarious!! Let me know if they work….I can use some fat-burning pants :D

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  2. That is pretty cute that he measured your jeans. Now *that* is love ;)

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  3. Linda says:

    Ha! Too funny!! Oh Peppe, you’re sweet but have so much to learn. After 10 yrs of marriage my husband knows the answer to my monthly “Do I look fat in this?”. “No, you always look nice. Pass me the parmigiano”. He just changes the subject. Works like a charm.
    Cherrye, just be glad he didn’t buy you a pair of mom jeans. Now, that would have been the kiss of death!

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  4. laura says:

    Happy 6 months! I dunno how I’d react to my hubby buying my fast pants but in your circumstance, I’d say he was being quite thoughtful and sweet. =)

    Thanks for dropping by Dolce Pics and for you comment. Hope to see you around again!

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  5. laura says:

    Oops… I meant to say ‘fat pants’ not ‘fast pants’. haha… it’s almost 2:30am here… time for bed!

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  6. I agree with Linda…if he buys you Mom jeans, that’s a problem. ha.

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  7. Hmmm, I think if five days use meant no weight gain it is because you forgot to make doughnuts.

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  8. so funny! I wish you had a camera at that moment too :) aren’t boys just wonderful though?

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  9. Isn’t it funny, Sara. I will let you know!

    Agreed, Michelle.

    Yikes. Mom jeans. :-( I am sad thinking about them.

    You know, Laura. Fast Pants might be ok! he he

    Yea, NYC Gal. It could have been worse, and seriously, I did tell him I wanted them, right?

    I figure if I wear the pants, Judith, I CAN double the recipe!

    I know, Erin. They ARE a hoot!

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  10. Louise says:

    That is TOO funny!
    Hey at least he noticed when you said that you liked something, its a start right?? LOL

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  11. Too funny. My husband has given me some of the most thoughtful, yet odd gifts I have every gotten, and I treasure every one. Happy LT!

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  12. Krystal says:

    Too funny- I remember one valentines (I was hoping for an engagement ring) I got Anti-wrinkle cream!!! The esthetician I saw recommended I try it- and I tossed it onto my “wishlist” I set up with her and next thing you know I got the wrinkle cream-, I stormed over to her office and returned every single product that I had bought from her and cancelled all my other orders!! Selling anti wrinkle cream for a valentines gift- bah!!

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  13. Michelle S says:

    How funny! I bet he thought, “A-ha! I now know the perfect gift.”

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  14. bonggamom says:

    What a great story! He’s so clueless and sweet, which probably makes you love him even more, right? At least after you’ve gotten over being annoyed at him :) Happy semi-anniversary and Happy love thursday!

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  15. That is absolutely hysterical. I can imagine the look on your face when you opened your gift… And poor Pep was so convinced you’d be thrilled! Too funny. :D

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  16. Amber says:

    I would laugh my head off – that is how I would react. What a funny guy!

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  17. angie says:

    In that situation, I wouldn’t be upset, because you are newly married, and you did say you wanted them. A few years down the road? Not so much.
    Happy LT

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  18. andrea says:

    yeah, you did say you wanted them…you gotta be careful of that kind of stuff.

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  19. amanda says:

    This made me laugh so much I nearly burst out of my own fat pants. Still I guess they are better than the oven glove that I was lovingly given last year:)
    - Amanda

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  20. Sally says:

    Eh, l’amore è una bombola…

    E vero, si?

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  21. You are right, Louise! I can’t say he doesn’t listen, can I?

    BPLC – He’s a keeper, I’d say. I would say… If I could breath in these fat pants.

    Krystal! LOL. Tragic!!!

    Michelle S, I know RIGHT?? I bet he was so proud!

    Bongamom – Yes, it does! I wasn’t even actually annoyed with him. Knowing him as I do, I know he wouldn’t insult me by trying to make me wear fat pants if I didn’t want them. It was all in the thought!

    LOL. I know, Jessica. I know …

    I can see you doing that, too Amber!

    Angie and Andrea – you are right. I DID say I wanted them. I am actually glad to have them.

    Oven Glove?? Oh, Amanda. Actually, the first time Pep ever did Stockings at Christmas, I got a sock full of dishclothes and sponges! lol I had forgotten all about that!!

    E’vero, Sally… e l’amore e’ bello!

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  22. My Melange says:

    Reminds me of that old saying *careful what you wish for*

    I do think he gets extra credit for actually listening and acting on it…and measuring the jeans ;)

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  23. AmyEmilia says:

    This is a precious story! My own Italian has a knack for writing memorable one-liner emails, none of which are repeatable. As for gift-giving – not so much. He prefers to send me out to buy my own. The gift that he gives me every day when I come home is the warm smile and hearty “hi bella” when I walk in.

    My experience with Italian men is limited to one, but he really has the ability to be sentimental, sweet, and perfectly comfortable expressing his emotions. My American husbands had a lot more trouble witht that.

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  24. hehehehe! when my hubby & i were dating, for christmas one year he bought me a workout video, weights & excercise clothing (mind you, i weight all of 98lbs. dripping wet). let’s just say, he’s lucky he’s my husband after that fiasco ;-)

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  25. anne says:

    Hi, that is soooo funny..you did say you would there them!!!

    [Reply]

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