Spell-check

Jerusalem Post December 17, 1997 | PINCHAS LANDAU PINCHAS LANDAU Jerusalem Post 12-17-1997 Hebrew is a tough language to master; generations of immigrants to this country have learned this, usually the hard way. But it’s really tough if you’re dumb, and no one comes dumber than a computer.

Try writing a review of the Israeli political situation, in English, on a supposedly sophisticated word- processing machine. Unless you are a walking dictionary, you will probably want to use the facility provided by this miracle of modern technology, known as a spell-check, to ensure that you haven’t made any unnecessary blnuders or mitsakes. However, the damn machines are now so smart that they flag down every word they don’t recognize, and then make what they term “suggestions,” to help you out of what they consider to be your difficulties.

The following is a sample of these supposed spelling errors and the suggestions made to “correct” them, on a small sample of who’s who and what’s what in this country.

Let’s start with the political parties. Obviously, Labor is OK, although there is always the US/UK issue of Labor/Labour. The trouble starts with …

Likud: The golem immediately ties itself up in knots. You can have “liked,” which is an option, at least for some, or “licked,” which others may prefer – or “liquid,” which is perhaps the most accurate description of the state of our ruling party.

Herut, one of Likud’s founding entities and its ideological bedrock, can be “heart” – it always was strong on emotions, or “hereto,” “whereto” or even “whereat,” presumably reflecting the party’s preoccupation with history and territory.

Shas is open to numerous interpretations, or so the program thinks (probably rightly). Anything from “shag” to “Shah” or even “sham” is offered, with “chase” as a long- shot that also seems worthy of consideration. go to web site online spell check

Moving onto the left-wing parties, the machine seems reasonably comfortable with Meretz, suggesting only “merits” (very complimentary) and “meters” (less so).

But it can’t make head or tail of the parties that combined to create Meretz. Shinui could be anything from “shin” or “chin” (?) to “shine” and “shone,” or even “shun,” if you don’t like it, and “China” if you want to send it really far away. As for the former Socialist bastion, Mapam, the programmers had a breakdown on this one: “Ma’am” is far too royalist, “Madam” is still very aristocratic, and “Mama” is either Freudian or just plain wrong.

But the machine knows where it stands on some of the more extreme parties. Hadash is either a “headache,” which is nothing to boast about, but sounds good compared to “Hades,” which is where many people would like to see Hadash’s MKs.

Moledet could be “molted,” although it hasn’t yet, or “molested” – say no more. But on Rakah, the thing fouls up again – “rajah” is really the wrong address.

For Tsomet it has “no suggestions,” which is probably just as well, considering it suggests “Titan” for Rafael Eitan.

But it comes up trumps on Gesher, which could be “geisha” – always ready to please, or “gusher,” a fair reflection of David Levy’s rhetorical strengths.

As regards haredim, it’s very keen on “hard” and variations thereof – “hardy,” “harden,” “harder.” But these are not convincing, and “harem” is clearly wrong. However, the more daring, if far-out, “hairdo” has distinct possibilities…

Even a simple term, such as right-winger or left- winger, throws the machine into paroxysms of self-doubt. It knows what “left” and “right” are, fortunately, but has no idea about “wingers” (no sporting, or even air-force, background). To be on the safe side, it offers “winners” (could be), “winders” (very often, particularly during the campaign) and “winters” (surely a euphemism for the opposite of “winners,” loc. cit.).

SO MUCH for parties; what about their leaders? Here there emerge some clear biases, although who these favor is not so clear. For Messrs Netanyahu, Neeman and Mordechai it has, collectively and individually, “no suggestions” (better safe than sorry?). But Labor leaders receive no such mercy.

The late Yitzhak Rabin could have been anything from “Rabbi” (don’t recall anyone calling him that) to “rabid” (getting warmer) to “rabbit” (dangerous territory now). His partner and rival, Shimon (“Shaman!”) Peres receives a veritable gamut of options from “peer” and even “peeress” (as in the House of Lords?) to “peruse,” “perhaps,” “perks” and “perms” and on to the insalubrious “pees.” site online spell check

Peres’s successor is no more welcome in this machine. Ehud (“Thud!”) Barak might be, so the golem thinks, “barrack” (he was, but he’s finished with the army now) “bark” (“purr” would seem more appropriate) or even “baroque” (so long as it’s not Gothic…). Uzi Baram, triggers another peculiar and unfavorable response – barium” (unpleasant) or “barroom” (much better, but still not worth boasting about).

The other Labor star fares even worse. The machine can’t abide even Haim, offering anything from “ham” to “hail” to “harm” as alternatives, but Ramon is equally unacceptable: “Radon” is one helpful suggestion, “rayon” is a more comfortable alternative, whilst “raccoon” is perhaps just playful.

Just to balance the score somewhat, the machine displays extreme ambivalence about Meridor. It could be “merrier,” and probably was once, or “mired,” which was also true at one point, or “madder,” which no doubt also had its day. The suggestion of “murder” suggests that this program has problems of its own, and needs treatment.

Chemical alternatives are a favorite of this word processor, by the way. It sees Gush Emunim as “ammonium” and if you think that’s accurate, then you just have to take your hat off to the suggestion of “calcium” for Cellcom. Make that calcified and its spot-on.

Speaking of which, what about Kupat Holim Clalit? No problems here. “Kaput” is not merely a suggestion but a stark reality, since “Homily” is about all you’ll get in the way of treatment, and while “claret” and “chalet” seem sadly misplaced, “callout,” “callow” and “callus” are all definitely in the right direction.

PINCHAS LANDAU