Five Tips for Surviving an International Long Distance Relationship

Posted on: Mar 12, 2010

Surviving a long distance relationship is not impossible.

No, it’s not easy-but it is doable.

I dated my husband five years long distance-he was in southern Italy, I was in southeast Texas-and they were the longest five years of my life.

They were also instrumental in helping us nurture our relationship and establish the foundation we have today.

Every now and then I get emails from people, usually women, who are dating an Italian man long distance and looking for some tips, advice or just a caring “ear” from someone who’s been there.

Today, I’ll share those tips with you.

Here are five tips for surviving an international long distance relationship.

3953180950 406a3dafbb Five Tips for Surviving an International Long Distance Relationshipphoto credit: francoiskarm

1. Talk, Talk, Talk, Talk, Talk

… and then talk some more.

Long distance partners have it easier today than we had it just four or five  years ago. With Skype chat and video you can actually engage in conversations without having to rush through phone calls that are costing you a fortune.

Still, that’s what we did.

We called each other three or four times a day, sometimes just to check in and say hi, other times to share a funny story about something that had just happened and other times when we had planned a phone call.

In fact, getting into a routine and knowing when you will hear from your partner is good idea. It helps cement expectations and helps you avoid manic why-hasn’t-he-called moments.

2. Have a Plan

Some relationship experts will tell you to have a plan on when the two of you will be together-forever. Personally, I think that is a little extreme. When my husband and I decided to try our hands at a long distance relationship, we had no idea how it would work out.

Instead of adding to an already stressful relationship by forcing a plan that may or may not be easy to make, take baby steps.

Have a plan on when you will see each other next.

Airport goodbyes are always sad and tearful, but knowing when you will see each other again is essential for moving forward.

3. Get a Life

You absolutely can not have a positive long distance relationship if you crawl into your bed and turn off the lights until he resurfaces. You have to have a life.

Finding your groove when you are apart will fill the time and help you feel more independent-an attractive quality in any partner.

That being said, I attribute much of our success to the fact that we were both over the going-out-every-night-drinking-and-dancing stages of our lives. One night of alcohol-induced craziness can kill any relationship … imagine what it could do after months of missing your long distance lover.

Make sure you and your partner are on the same page.

4. Stay Connected

And I’m not talking Internet, phone or Skype here. I’m talking about you.

Staying connected and ensuring you remain on the same page is instrumental to the success of your LDR. It is also a good idea to put yourself in his/her shoes. Before we’d make any big decision, we would think of what we would have wanted the other person to do in that situation.

If you wouldn’t be comfortable with your boyfriend going out and having drinks with a same-city ex, then you shouldn’t go. But again … make sure you are on the same page.

5. Stay Positive

We were lucky. Our friends and family members were totally on board and supportive of us throughout our relationship, but we still had some Negative Nellies who insisted on sharing their gloom.

“It’ll never work.”

“How are you going to make it?”

“I wonder what he/she is doing now.”

You don’t have room for these thoughts in your long distance relationship, so kick ‘em out. Either refuse to talk about your relationship with negative people or distance yourself from them all together.

Your relationship has enough stress. Don’t let someone else dump their stress onto you.

Did you survive a long distance relationship? What other tips would you share?

Traveling to southern Italy? Click here to see how I can help you plan the trip of a lifetime.

Hodgkin’s Disease Survivors Are At Risk for Malignant Neoplasms.(Brief Article)(Statistical Data Included)

Cancer Weekly April 11, 2000 2000 APR 11 – (NewsRx.com) — Childhood survivors of Hodgkin’s disease have a substantial risk for second malignant neoplasms (SMN) according to research published in the March 27, 2000, issue of the Journal of Clinical Oncology.

The most common SMNs are cancers of the skin (non-melanoma), thyroid, and breast, non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, and acute leukemia.

Daniel M. Green, MD, a pediatric oncologist who directs the Long-Term Follow-Up Clinic at Roswell Park Cancer Institute (RPCI), and colleagues examined the medical records of 182 consecutive, previously untreated patients with Hodgkin’s disease. The patients were less than 20 years of age at diagnosis and were admitted to RPCI for treatment between January 1, 1960, and January 31, 1989. Of this group, 28 members developed 36 SMNs within 30 years of their initial diagnosis for Hodgkin’s disease. Nine patients who developed SMNs died, seven as a result of the SMN, one due to respiratory failure, and one due to progressive Hodgkin’s disease. go to website hodgkin s disease go to web site hodgkin s disease

Hodgkin’s disease is a type of lymphoma in which the cancer cells generally collect in the lymph nodes of the neck, underarm, or groin. The progression of the disease is usually from one node to another, and cells may migrate to the spleen or liver. Hodgkin’s disease was one of the first cancers cured with chemotherapy and is currently treated with the combination of radiotherapy and chemotherapy. The five-year survival exceeds 90%.

“This prolonged survival has led to an unforeseen complication. There is a greater risk of second and subsequent cancers in these patients after they are treated for their initial disease. We believe the solid tumors that arise in this group are caused by their radiation therapy, although some of the chemotherapeutic agents used may increase this risk; the acute leukemias and lymphomas seen are almost always due to chemotherapy,” said Green.

“The cancers most often seen as SMNs are conducive to cancer screening techniques,” he said, “which should be a regular part of the cancer follow-up for former Hodgkin’s disease patients.” In a study, published last November in the Journal of Clinical Oncology, Green evaluated the impact of cardiac disease and SMNs on late mortality and attempted to identify risk factors for late mortality among 15-year survivors of childhood and adolescent cancer. He concluded that survivors who relapsed during the 15-year period had excess mortality.

This article was prepared by Cancer Weekly editors from staff and other reports.

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Category: All About Me, Italians, Moving to Calabria

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39 Responses

  1. Sonia says:

    I wish you have written this sooner so that I could have passed it on to a friend. She had a LDR and it didn’t work out.. primarily because of reasons #3 &#4. She didn’t have a life!! She would sit at home and actually wait to hear from him. It was so bad that I gave up trying to help her.

    As for #4, they said they wanted the same things… only he had a timeline of when he wanted to accomplish things.. he wanted them instantly… and because of that, their LDR ended.. badly!

    Oh, I’m so sorry to hear about your friend’s sadness. LDRs are definitely hard work, even when both people are on the same page. Like Vanessa said in the next comment, I enjoyed my freedom, as well. You will be miserable and resentful if you wait around. :-(

    .-= Sonia´s last blog ..International Women’s Day =-.

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  2. Vanessa says:

    Five YEARS! Complementi! Before I moved to Italy we had a 5 month LDR but it was easy as we did pretty much follow the steps you have outlined. PLus, we were only a few hours away by flight and probably once a month at least saw each other. I quite enjoyed step 3 as I was able to do my own thing without having to check in with someone else all the time. This phase of my life was certainly much easier than the first 6months we were together in Italy….

    Thanks, V. And I agree about it being easier than the initial move. It was *such* a difficult adjustment.

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  3. Great article, Cherrye. When I was 19 I had an LDR for 8 months (it was supposed to be 10, but he came home early). He was in Australia doing his gap year thing, and I was in England. This was well before easy access to email/Skype etc, and, as we were both so young and broke, we couldn’t afford phone calls. We therefore wrote letters. Lots of them. Once a week, pretty much religiously. It was a wonderfully romantic way of conducting a relationship. Sadly, once he got back to the UK things changed. I put this down to the fact that, while I was still in London, he was in Newcastle. Theoretically, the distance was easily surmountable (3 hours on the train), but, again for reasons of youth and brokeness, we couldn’t make the journey very often. This was far more frustrating for both of us than when he was the other side of the world. A plane journey to/from Australia was absolutely out of the question, but a 3-hour train journey *could* have been possible. Arguments ensued about who should be making more effort, and slowly but surely we fell out of love.

    On a far more wonderful note, my grandparents conducted their entire courtship long-distance, due to the war. They had only met a few times, all of them chaperoned, before war broke out and my grandfather was posted to Burma. Their relationship grew via love letters – and, obviously, as this was wartime, these were limited by army censorship and availability of post boxes in the Burmese jungle. My grandmother’s engagement ring arrived in a sparkplug box, given to a member of my grandfather’s regiment who had been posted back to the UK, and thereby delivered third-person. Happily, she accepted, and they got married on VE Day, going on to have a 50-something year marriage. A truly lovely example of how love really can conquer all.

    What a fabulous story about your grandparents! I love it. I could kinda picture them writing letters and her waiting to receive news of him. So sweet. Also, I *totally* agree on the distance of the LDR having an impact. When you are just a few hours away and/or have money and time to easily fly, it is a new dynamic!

    .-= Katja | Driving Like a Maniac´s last blog ..Not Without My Children =-.

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  4. Cherrye, all great points, especially #5!!!!!!!!!

    Thanks, Lisa. Guess that is pretty important for any good relationship, right?

    .-= Lisa at Wanderlust Women´s last blog ..Frugal Friday – Chicago is a solo traveler’s kinda town for a great weekend escape =-.

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  5. running42k says:

    Very interesting. I am curious how you two met if you don’t mind sharing sometime.

    We were both working for Disneyland Paris and lived in the same apt complex. Most of Disney’s cast members who were from abroad like we were all hung out at the same places and so … lucky us!

    .-= running42k´s last blog ..Half way through Lent =-.

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  6. Irish jen says:

    LOVE this post Cherr…..well done!

    There are plenty of LDR’s out there that need to stay focused and keep TALKING…..

    xx

    Thx, Irish Jen! :-)

    [Reply]

  7. anne says:

    A very interesting post. We have been married for 17 years and it is only in the last 7 years that things have changed. Hubby works for a Formula 1 team and is hardly at home between March and November.. so we have a sort of long distance relationship.. it is hard when he comes home. He is tired he is stressed sometimes, jet lag has set in.. and then off he goes again. We hardly have time together, but in November he is in the country from then until February.. and off work for about 7 weeks of it. Now that is hard, for both of us, I have been doing my own thing, and now he is here.. we both get a bit stressed out by it.

    Yea, Anne. I found that being together so much after all of those years LDR was quite an adjustment!

    .-= anne´s last blog ..Port Isaac – Part two….. =-.

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  8. Monica says:

    I’m in my first and only relationship and it’s a long-distance one at that. I’m in NYC. He’s in Boston. We talk on the phone every single night. We try to see each other every other weekend and we’ve made future plans to go to grad school together. Right now we’re working on getting ready for our GMATs. Having plans for the future gives us something to work toward together and our passion for travel definitely gives something to bond over.

    I love that your passion for travel is what is helping you bond! Having a common passion like that is *so* important. Good luck to you!

    [Reply]

  9. My husband and I dated long distance- he in England, me in Portland, OR. Our life-savor was Skype. On weekends we would just keep our computers on and do housework together. Hearing his music play while he was cleaning his kitchen and I was cleaning the bathroom, made me feel like we were just in separate rooms of the same house. ;)

    I love that!! Auguri for coming up with such a great idea.

    [Reply]

  10. Kaitlyn says:

    These are great tips, and I agree that having your own life and having a good amount of communication is essential while having a LDR. I am currently in a LDR with my boyfriend in Italy, and have had to do this before in the first year of our relationship with me in the States and him in Italy. It is quite the difficult transition, but you get used to it, and if you have a common goal for the two of you, the light at the end of the tunnel doesn’t seem so far away. When you get to see that person the next time, you appreciate it so much more! Enjoy it, don’t wait around, be honest with each other about everything, and don’t have any expectations of when and how long you are going to talk each day is my best advice. Have one time that is planned out, and if you talk more..well thats great! Skype definitely makes everything so much better these days because you actually get to see that person.

    Yea, video wasn’t really our friend back then. he he Also, we had the “planned” talk time and spontaneous calls, as well. More “real” that way.

    [Reply]

  11. [...] see, the Internet hasn’t only changed how we engage in long distance relationships or how we meet people before we move abroad, but it has also changed how we interact with each [...]

  12. Georgina says:

    Nice post! This is something that I can advice my sister in-law with. Her husband works and lives abroad and coping with the depression is her problem most of the time. Its nice to know that there are reliable post that couples in long distance relationshiops can read.

    Thanks for coming by.

    [Reply]

  13. grace says:

    I can relate! Thanks for these tips, Cherr. I’m into long distance “friendship” not a relationship yet, but we both know we are toward that line. He’s in Australia and he’ll be coming over for a visit next month. We have a lot of things in common and we both feel that we are attuned with how we feel and what we think most of the time. Yes, I agree with all of the points you raised! and ALL I say :) … my good friend and I talk through skype or yahoo or gmail talk every single night, that it’s like a nightly “date” for us. There are times, when we don’t have much to say and being with each other online is good enough, like when he’s working on his photos (we both love photography!) while I’m preparing my lesson for the next day, and we comment or say something here and there just like a couple actually together. Mind you, I feel some level of intimacy in those situations :)

    Thanks, thanks, thanks, Cherr. Keep it up!

    Prego! And good luck with your LDR!

    [Reply]

    grace Reply:

    Cherr,
    I’m still with the same guy I mentioned to you about back in 2010. We’ve finally met and officially “sealed” our relationship last Nov 2011. We’re on our 5th month now and I’ve been to his place last month. Next month he’ll be going to visit me again and we’re already talking and inquiring about applying for migration visa and possibility of marriage. We hope to finalize things when he gets here.

    I write again because of 2 things: we were able to maintain our nightly “tryst” as he calls it thru skype and sometimes phone calls. But for a few months now, he wants to lessen the nightly calls. He says there’s nothing to talk about, etc. and 5 – 10 mins is enough. And it seems to him like I’ve been bugging him about it because I am adamant to keep this nightly calls. It’s our only way of being together in my opinion so I don’t like to drop it off this routine for the longest time.

    And then, coupled with this, I found out that he has been having dinner or lunch with a friend who is a girl along the time we are getting to know each other all these years. He told me that she’s nothing and just a friend, but I also found out that he didn’t tell this girl that he already has a girlfriend a few months ago. Because of this, I took the liberty of informing the girl that he is already in a relationship with me, because he said I can even call the girl if I want to. So that’s exactly what I did. He was very reactive every time I bring out the topic of him seeing that other girl, and it was only the other week that I asked him to promise that he will not spend time with another woman anymore. He agreed to my request, but last night, he said what’s wrong with it. He said he doesn’t feel jealous about me seeing other men, and so why would I feel wronged if he ‘spends time with another girl.’ I don’t get this part, really. I also found out that they see each other in the girl’s favorite pub when he’s in town, sometimes he’s the one who invites and the girl will not agree but after a day, the girl will text and invite him to dinner instead.

    But on the other side, and in fairness with him, he introduced me to his few friends as his girlfriend (except to that girl), he’s talking about me migrating to his country and that when he gets here in June this year, he’ll be applying for the visa for me and last night, mentioned about getting married nonchalantly. I say nonchalantly because it sounds like nothing romantic for him, just like a requirement to get the visa, something like that LOL. But he follows up the inquiry and processing, like calling the immigration center, etc. and is really keen on coming here next month. We already have plans of him meeting the rest of my family and friends when he comes here, and for me to transfer to his place in the very near future. But inspite of this, I feel troubled about him seeing that girl when he’s in town (by the girl’s reaction, i knew they didn’t have a relationship going on, and the girl confirmed it by saying “my friend” in a message sent). And he seems to be withdrawing by asking me to lessen the nightly calls. Please enlighten me what is this about and what shall I do. I refused to give in to his request to schedule our calls because of what I learned recently about that girl. Should I be threatened about this? Or shall I just stay put and wait anyway he’s coming here next month?
    grace´s last [type] ..Thoughts for Today

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  14. Ivy says:

    I am in LDR right now, and just returned to the US, where I currently reside. I was my my boyfriend for 2 months this summer, after having a LDr since january. The points are great, but I am worried because ever since I came back he has’t skypied me all week. Suddenly he started texting me. What should I do? Please if someone could give me an advice.

    I’d ask him what was up with the new mode of communication. It could be that he is away from his computer more often than before, but I think texting is still a good sign. If he had dropped off all communication, then I’d really worry. Communication is the biggest issue, so just ask him. He probably doesn’t even know it has you concerned.

    [Reply]

  15. [...] this year I wrote a post with five tips for surviving a long-distance relationship and interestingly enough, Google Analytics says a lot of people like it. Since this is my our [...]

  16. MIssFrothie says:

    Hi! I am currently in a relationship with an amazing italian man from Turin–we’ve been together for about a year and a half now-not all long-distance- but now it’s getting real hard. We’re both young post-grads and still trying to figure out our lives. He lived with me for the past three months in NY-now, he’s back in Turin. I’m going to see him in March- but after that- I might not see him until June- and after that-who knows. He’s saying that the most rational decision is to think with our minds and not our hearts – to be career focused- then worry about our lives together. I think most of it comes from him wanting to be financially stable in a career before asking me to change my life for him (like find work at a Italian university next year). Oh life. If there’re any advice you can give-that will be great! Now, i’m doing #3! :-)

    Good for you for staying busy and having your own life while you are in an LDR. For the most part, my husband was more logical during our LDR, as well. I remember him saying “my heart wants it work, but my mind can’t figure it out.” I was the one who kept the “faith.” FWIW, I think it is great-and you guys are lucky-if you get to see each other every few months. We often went 6-7 months without seeing each other. Just make sure you are-and that you stay on-the same page. Sounds promising to me! In bocca al lupo!

    [Reply]

  17. maureen says:

    this is very inspiring. Im about to get into an LDR with my boyfriend of one year. we are both moving to different towns for job opportunities that will jumpstart both our careers.we will be 10hours apart but being a doctor and him an engineer it will require some major acrobatics to make time to visit each other.we are both very determined to make this work but im realy scared it will be a strain on our so far wonderful relationship.

    I’m glad you liked the post! In bocca al lupo with your LDR!

    [Reply]

  18. Shirley says:

    I love your post! I am in my first and long distance international relationship right now! We met when I was studying abroad in Japan (we were “short distance” for only 3 weeks!) and we have been together for almost 8 months!
    He is coming in 5 days and we will be spending 1 month together!!!! I do constantly have doubts about our relationship especially my mom strongly disagrees with our relationship. But we are still trying! I am just worried when would be the next time after this visit. And we have a totally unusual way of communicating: he speaks Japanese and I speak English and even though we might have times when we are like “huh?” but we still managed to understand each other! <3 Can't wait to see him!

    [Reply]

  19. Melissa says:

    My husband live’s in Tunisia, I am in the U.S it is hard to have your spouse so far away! I miss him terribly! Today’s technology has made it possible to keep our relationship strong and enjoy spending every night together as though we are in the same house. Having lot’s of picture’s, card’s, video’s etc. help keep them in front of your eye’s to avoid any temptation’s when feeling lonely. I made a video for my husband of our time’s together in Tunisia, I watch it when I’m feeling down and it alway’s make’s me smile and remember why I have to keep strong! Love brought us together and love will conquer all!

    [Reply]

  20. Michelle says:

    Hey thanks for this, i’m a missionary in the Philippines and i’ve left my boyfriend there for 9 months while I come home to the UK to fundraise. i’ve only just left him in the last week and I was searchin the net for help on knowing how to survive. Thispost has really helped. Now i just need to hope and pray we are strong enough to make it!

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  21. Lyss says:

    Thank you for writing this article! I think some of the tips will help a lot. I’m about to enter a LDR (Me in Germany, her staying here in the US).
    The only potential problem is communication. Her parents don’t approve of our relationship, therefore we can’t communicate with each other. Our only means of communication now is through Facebook messaging and email, and we can only be online for so long. It’s hard when we’re right down the street from each other but will still go a day or two without speaking to each other because it’s just impossible. I can only imagine how it’ll be in a few weeks when I’m in Germany.
    And may I say, five years without your husband. That must have been terrible. But congrats on getting through it ;)

    [Reply]

  22. Kiawna Brewster says:

    This is a great article. And very personal to me. I have been in a long distance relationship for over a year; I’m in California and he’s in Northern Italy. It has been extremely hard at times, however he’s worth the world to me. I have been back to visit since he left three times in the last eight months, and he will be coming in less than two months. Luckily, my dad’s a pilot so it’s a lot easier to see each other; we are so blessed. It’s so reassuring to see that I’m not alone, and there are others who have been through and are going through something so similar to my situation and it works out. I strongly believe that he is the one for me; he is my lover and my best friend and I will do anything and everything to have him by my side forever.

    [Reply]

  23. marcus says:

    hi, my friend is having a problem with his LDR
    his girlfriend said that she loves him but she can’t
    wait no more. my friend is trying his best to secure there
    financial future. she said she wants to start dating
    but my friend is so scarred that if she does, it might
    evolve into something else and that by the time
    he will b there in the same state the girl will have a change
    of heart :( they really are a good couple, I would be
    very sad if it will go to waste. help:(

    So sorry to hear this, I hope the best for your friend and his girlfriend.

    [Reply]

  24. [...] My Bella Vita A different city? Try a different country. Read this article for advice on surviving and internationally distanced relationship. [...]

  25. Noelle says:

    I just googled surveying a LDR. I have been with my guy in England about a year and a half now. Due to cermatances neither one of us can control it’s gonna be at least another two. He is dead certain about us. And we do use your advice. I thank goodness for my iPhone and IM messengers. We are never fat apart from each other.
    I just am having that ” when will it ever end ” moment. It was very inspirational to read so many positive stories. It really helps me to keep my chin up and believe in us. This distance will only make the mental better. making the physical the icing on a yummy cake.

    :-) It sounds like you the right attitude! Hang it there – I know it is tough.

    [Reply]

  26. Ana says:

    I’m so glad to read you article. my bf and i have a LDRS. i love him so much. I’m from Indonesia while he lives in India. it’s a so so though LDRS. we will never know how long we will survive this but now we are trying so hard to make it works. mostly all u say are true, help me describes what i’m feeling about us exactly and the challenges and obstacles that come to our way. i try so hard to keep positive all the time though my weakest point is when we hardly talk for a day due to his busy. when he doesn’t talk, it’s hurt sometimes to think that maybe he has lost his interest to the word “us” then he just suddenly disappear from my life forever without explaining anything. but when such situation arise, all i do just try to “get a life” as u said. i know it’s hard for me and it must be hard for him too. love and respect are essential in any kind of RS more to LDRS, so does trust and honesty. i hope so much we can get through this. or at least when one day something bad happen to what we have, we can face it still positively. thank you for your great writing, hope will help to have a better me. :)

    [Reply]

  27. Millie says:

    This is really good information. I am worried because I have been dating my boyfriend for about eight months, but have recently been given a fellowship to teach abroad in Spain for 9 months.

    He seems fine with this and has no doubts about the success of our relationship. I just recently graduated and he will be finishing off his senior year. I am confident it will suceed as well, but I’m also nervous about it.

    I dont want him to spend too much time waiting for me and I don’t want to be constantly missing him to the point where I dont feel comfortable doing things. I guess I just am freaked out about that initial stage when we are adjusting to it all. Any tips?

    [Reply]

  28. Carly says:

    I am currently in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend in Germany and I am in California. We met while he was studying abroad at my university and we have been dating for 5 months now. I’m studying in Ireland for the following semester so we have plans to travel back and forth to see one another but it’s been really hard for me to adjust to not having him around all the time and even though we have plans to see one other (and I’m spending the holidays with him in Germany) we haven’t talked about what happens after that. Is it wrong for me to be worrying about the distant future? I don’t want to put any more added stress on our relationship but the not knowing is hard for me to deal with.

    [Reply]

  29. mel says:

    im really young and still going to school. my boyfriends at uni though and we’ve been going out for 8 months now. longest relationship for both of us. he’s my first ever boyfriend so its new to me. i miss him so much and love him, but the distance is difficult for both of us. im keeping my head up, thinking positive and doing all i can. he on the other is finding it difficult? he says he loves me, he cant break up with me and says its real but if thats true why is he doubting. it probably more difficult for him… but he’s not the only one in the relationship.

    he’s also said i need to talk more, im trying i tell him about my day but he just seems bored. i dont know what to do. he’s the only thing that mkes me happy seeing as i go to boarding school. i just wan thim to think positivly

    [Reply]

  30. LadyPeace says:

    Wow,
    This is a great post; i’m also in a LDR with a very beautiful man who loves me a lot and has a lotta respect 4 me and my dreams, we’ve planned 2 get married soon. Yet, i also need more tips 2 better and keep our relationship spiced up; i agree with them tips above. My boyfriend is currently based in Namibia, Windhoek and i’m based in South Africa; and i must say that ur post is really helpful and practical.

    It inspires me and makes me know and believe there is hope & i’m not alone in this!

    Peace oUT~

    [Reply]

  31. Vidya says:

    I am currently in a long distance friendship for the past 5 months; not a relationship yet with an Italian man in Northern Italy and I am in NYC. He had been my solid support for the past 4 months especially when there was a death in the family. I appreciate him greatly but he has been distant from me in the past month. He does not initiate contact much and we have not been talking as much as we had done earlier. I still miss speaking with him but something seems to have changed with him.

    Any tips on what I can do here? Thanks!

    [Reply]

  32. Sarah says:

    I’ve been with an amazing man for almost a year npw, and the relationship is long distance. we respect eachother and we’re happy. the only problem we have is that i lose faith in him wth the distance and cheat. he means everything to me. i want to change. how can i make it feel more like he’s really here?everytime i see him it gets better. but i don’t get to see him that often.

    [Reply]

  33. bb says:

    I miss him so much :(

    [Reply]

  34. [...] Popular Post: Well, I get a new email regarding my post Five Tips for Surviving a Long Distance Relationship every couple of weeks so I suppose I’d have to go with that one, although Ma Che Cz**o Fa [...]

  35. alyssa says:

    I have been in a long distance international realtionship for a little over 3 years with my french boyfriend. I live in the us and he has lived in France. the most time we ever spent together consistently was 3 months. We are both in out twenties and still in school and have a while to go till we finish. our plan was that i would move to france, leave my friends and family, do online schooling and marry him within the first 3 months and then start working after we marry. Idealistically. of course government offices are not known for their efficiency.
    Anyway i recently re-evaluated this scenerio and realized i was the one carrying all the weight. His life hardly changes. He gets to stay in school and stay in france and would only have to work part time.
    my problem is the marriage thing. im 25, hes 21. and like i said we have not had a lot of time together. I would prefer to be there on a visitors visa/not a marriage visa so i dont also have the pressure of marrying him in 3 months.
    i grew up watching my parents fight all the time then ending in a very messy divorce.
    marriage is not just a technicallity to be together for me. i need to feel safe and secure to marry him. and 3 months wont do that for me.

    a realtionship means compromise and he may not be willing to do so understandably. i am asking him that when i come he takes a year off between his ba and masters to work to support us so we will have time to live together and we sure marriage is right for us.
    I do not believe he will stop school for a year to do this.

    anyway getting a workers visa is soo hard. almost impossible.
    this might be our only way unless he his willing to take a 1 year break.

    i dont know what to do. im really sad and confused right now. but i know i dont want to be the only one carrying the load. I feel like he is asking too much of me and with all that pressure it wouldn’t work but at the same time and for legitimate reasons he is not willing to take the pressure off of me.

    maybe we are just too young to make this work at this point in our lives. aside from figuring out how to ultimately be together we have taken all of the other advice.

    it always gets complicated when we try to have a plan. but honestly we need one. its been 3 years. i cant no longer just plan on the next trip. we need to plan for the last one at this point.

    do you have any advice on how to make this work?

    [Reply]

    Cherrye Reply:

    @alyssa, Ciao Alyssa,

    I’m sorry – I wish I had an easy answer for you but I think it is awesome that you are considering these things NOW – BEFORE you move. For the record, I agree with your thoughts on marriage .. that is one reason that Peppe and I dated so long before I made the move and we got married. We didn’t want to “have” to get married. And, you are also right that you are bearing the weight here. Of course, for an LDR to “end” successfully one of the parties always has to make the move. One of you will have to leave your security, friends, family and country if you want it to work.

    You said you have done the “three month” thing-right? Is there a reason (besides the fact that you are ready to move on with your relationship) that you can’t do that again or keep doing that until you feel you (or he) is ready to move? Of course, I’m not in your shoes anymore but why does it have to be planning for “the last trip” right now?

    The thing is, the one who gets to stay in his country doesn’t really “get it,” not really anyway. He might be sensitive about it and try to help you adjust but he isn’t going to understand. I remember thinking my husband got to keep everything, too – he just expected me to fit into this little section of his life, but wanted to keep on with his everyday activities. I think if you are already feeling this that you might end up being resentful – again, not useful in a marriage. :-)

    I remember being where you are and it ain’t fun! But I can also look back and see the times when we tried to push it and make it happen when it wasn’t “time.” These things tend to work themselves out, I think. I’m sure you have looked into it, but wouldn’t a study abroad for either (or both!) of you really help you out? You could both continue on your individual paths and get to live in the same country.

    [Reply]

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