My Biggest Expat-in-Italy Fear Revealed: What is Yours?
The expats in Italy are some of the most charming, outgoing, caring people I’ve come across in my travels-and no, I’m not biased.
Well, maybe I’m a little biased, but don’t let that stop you. Read on.
The thing is, for the last three and a half years I’ve been part of this elite group of people who chose to uproot their lives “back home,” and replant some seeds here in the bel paese.
photo credit: Adam Jones, Ph.D.
We commiserate with each other over the Italian post office, bureaucracy and never-ending queue lines. We share recipes and tips for making sour cream or pecan pie. We celebrate holidays together and get nostalgic over childhood commercials or cartoons.
And the thing is. I like it like that.
I like being an expat in Italy.
I don’t want to be Italian.
Don’t get me wrong, I know I am far from full integration and strangers on the street still easily recognize my straniera status but my biggest fear is that one day, that will go away.
When I first moved to Italy my father-in-law introduced me to his friend’s wife, a woman from New Jersey who has traveled between her home in Catanzaro and her home in Rome for more than 40 years. She was nice to talk to and I looked forward to having someone around every few months who was “my kind of people.”
But the thing is. She is not my kind of people.
She mispronounces English words, doesn’t cook American food and seems to have forgotten many American traditions and holidays-and geography, but I’ll let that one slide.
I’ve discussed this with some of my expat friends here in Calabria and they’ve assured me I won’t forget what it is like to be American. And I sure hope not.
But last week I was doing some Black Friday shopping on Amazon and found a really cool electronic gadget I was considering buying for my husband. The website was still on my computer later in the day and I mentioned it to my mother.
“I’m not sure if I should get this ,” I told her. “It might be too small.”
“Well, I don’t really know anything about it,” she told me, offering no help whatsoever.
“But what do you think?” I insisted. “It might be too small. It is only eight gigabytes.”
Now. If you just read that last line “It is only eight gigabytes,” and pronounces the “g” like groceries, then you are doing better than me.
(Hangs head in shame.)
I didn’t.
I told my mother, “It is only eight gigabytes,” like George or Gym or Georgia.
There was silence.
Then, with some hesitation she asked me, “Uhm, is that like gigabytes?” (Pronounced correctly.)
More silence.
“Isn’t that what I said?” I asked her, knowing damn well it wasn’t.
“No,” she told me. “You didn’t.”
And so my question to you is this.
How, as expats in Italy who communicate regularly in a language other than our own, who celebrate Italian holidays, cook Italian food and enjoy Italian culture, can we shield ourselves from our biggest expats-in-Italy fears? Or maybe this fear is just mine … ?
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Cherrye.. I don’t know if there’s a way other than talking to someone back home.
I’m still a few years away from pronouncing english words in the Italian manner.
So you think, Sonia … so you think!
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You need not worry, you will never be Italian, even if you pronounce the odd word the Italian way. Myself I still pronounce some Italian words the British English way, as well as vice versa.
I love being here, I love being more Italian than I would be if I did not live here, but I know there are limits to integration.
Though I undretsand those who seek as much as integration as possible, I personally like and enjoy my “in between” status and feel super comfortable with it.
Thanks for your comment. I know the Italians won’t ever see me as Italian, like they don’t see the woman I referred to as Italian even after so many years. But she has lost so many of her American ways, as well. I don’t mind being “in between,” I, too, like many of the habits I’ve picked up here in Italy, I just don’t want to not be “either!”
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You hear a word pronounced a particular way over and over, you’re going to say it that way most of the time — unless you don’t and that will always be when talking to Italians. Gigabyte is not a great example because who says it is English? I think it is geekspeak!
Anyway, to frighten you much further I will share that I forget what the English word is for things. Can’t help it. Sometimes I lose the Italian AND the English and can only think of the word in Spanish or French, two languages which I do not speak.
It doesn’t make me Italian, for sure. I think all expats who succeed in being content where they are must be both. You can’t be sure that the once-American woman isn’t very American in many ways. But it will never be your kind of American because she’s been in Italy longer than you have been alive. They didn’t make Americans like you back in her day.
People too determined to be all-American cannot stay here for many reasons. They’ll be miserable. People aiming at being all-Italian are doomed to failure. I can shrug off nearly nude wiggling girls on quiz shows, but I cannot agree that they are necessary. I would be in the piazza over a lot of government failures here.
As the cookery, you know I can and do defend la cucina Americana whenever it is attacked. I rarely cook it, but of course I can. It doesn’t define me. I ate Vietnamese food for breakfast almost everyday this summer. I’m still not Vietnamese.
Thank you, Judith. You are right, maybe I was having a stressful moment. I forget words, too. It seems even worse when I am tired … not sure why I’d forget English words when I am tired, but … yea. By the way,
“I can shrug off nearly nude wiggling girls on quiz shows …”
Made me laugh out loud. I guess the fact that we realize the nearly nude wiggling girls are an “Italian” thing, means there is still some American left!
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My biggest fear is that my children will be totally Italian and not get my culture or even the language (being immersed in all things italian and sicilian here!!) and I will lose my future generation to Italy. V sad and a v real fear to me. Thank God we are going home TODAY for 5 weeks to inject a dose of kiwi culture into them.
THat gigabyte comment was hilarious! I always say melanzane, carciofi and acciughe in Italian (sorry if the spelling is terrible!) – have trouble thinking of their english names, but i think only because they are such common ingredients here but definitely not elsewhere!!
I get stuck with some fruit names that we don’t eat in Texas, too, as well as some variety of beans. I don’t even know how to say it in English b/c I didn’t have that “experience” with the food in the US. I think you are right about the children and I agree it is a real fear. I foresee it taking a real, constant effort on “our” parts to ensure they get our culture, as well. Enjoy NZ!
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I’ve heard English speakers say; “Remember to convalidate your train ticket!” and some times start sentences with “According to me. . . ”
Importantly, you are no longer American, English etc. Nor will you ever be Italian but you are part of a small group of people who understand and appreciate both cultures.
How else would I have discovered a word like “spoonino”? Thanks to Alexandra at ArtTrav.com for that one.
“Spoonino.” I love it! We do have our own little language here at home that is a mix like that. Thanks for your comment-you made an interesting point.
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I’m more afraid of never really fitting in more than losing my Americaness. I think I had already lost a lot of that before ever leaving America, at least a cording to some of my American friends. I don’t mind being inbetween, I just wish my Italian would miraculously improve. I understand very well, but am way too intimidated to talk too much as I get teased so much about my American accent. This old dog has trouble learning new tricks, more like a foreign language. Oh well, I keep plugging along.
Oh, I’m sorry you get teased about your accent. Boo! I mean, I have a strong accent, too, but people here (at least say) they like it! I went through that in France … no fun!
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I worry about my overall level of English. As I speak English here mostly with my students and other non-native speakers, I’ve learned to speak very simply so that they can “get it.” So, sometimes I feel like my level of vocabulary and grammar have become “dumbed down” in addition to the fact that I never use slang any more. Sometimes, when asked by students, I can’t even remember if something is acceptable in conversational English because I’ve been speaking “like a book” for so long. :S
I also hate that I don’t recognize music or movies released in the last few years quite often. I certainly realize that I’ve been “out of the loop!”
I feel the same way about “dumbing down” the language. It is funny how quickly we can get in that habit!
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My father was Maltese (he died years ago) and we have nothing of his culture, which I find a great shame, we have lived in England ever since he died, before that he was in the Royal Air Force so lived lots of other countries. We have no one to tell us or give us anything, ..I am not English, but half Irish (Irish Mother) and Half Maltese..but I do feel more drawn to Main land Europe as we in UK call it.
Oh I am sorry, Anne. That is sad. I always thought you were English!
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I would have a hard time finding a word in English… sometimes the Italian word explains it better or vice versa. Regardless… you know who you are and have a good thing going Cherrye!
Thanks, Joe. And you are so right, there are some things that really are better said in Italian (brutta figura) and some in English. Like, for example, when I want to say someone is “funny,” I don’t want to say “simpatico,” I don’t feel like that really expresses what I want to say!
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I’m always afraid that I won’t be able to remember the English words for things…and it’s already happened a few times. The Italian words come quicker to me now and I think it’s normal since I’ve been here almost 6 years. But, I don’t think we can ever forget what it means to be “American.” We were older when we came here and I think unless you are a child/adolescent when you change countries, it’s pretty hard to lose your Americannesssss!!!! And in your case, your Texasness!!! So, don’t worry about it and feel lucky that you know how to say things in two different languages!
I agree with Vanessa though, that making your kids understand your culture will be a whole different story….
I hope so (about being hard to lose American’ness.) I think maybe be aware of it will help, too. And yes, the issue with the kiddos is a whole ‘nurther can of verme!
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Oh yes, you must embrace totally the whole mixed up language thing, it’s so much fun. So stop scritting, put the tap on your pen and lets do a giro, careful you don’t inciampare on the way!! xx
Ha. Yes, we “totally” talk like this, mixing the languages, etc. And you are right, that is fun.
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I have to admit that I don’t have even small amount of that fear.
That’s nice. I have plenty of others…
I’ll be disowned cause I did something to trigger Italian superstitions
I’ll be a widow in Italy
I’ll not be able to keep climbing the stairs to my home
“I’ll be a widow in Italy.” That is *such* a sad/scary fear!
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Hi! I think once you leave your home environment for a foreign country or culture, you will always feel somewhere ni between… which is the beauty of this type of life…that’s my experience as an expat for most of my life…btw, my parents lived in Calabria for 10 years, in Villa San Giovanni… I miss it!! Lucky you
Ah, Villa San Giovanni is so nice! I hope you get a chance to come back soon. Thanks for your input. I should look at it as a positive!
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Hmmm, 30 years ago, gigabyte was not a word in exisence. Say it however you want to say it! Maybe you will start a new word! I for one, have only known of Italy and the Italian language for 9 months. But, it has enriched this Midwesterner’s life. We all enrich each other’s lives around the world. Thank you, Cherrye for bringing Italy to me!
Ah, prego, Marcia! Italian is a beautiful language, so I guess if I have to butcher my own, I’m doing it with style!
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the thing that happens to me is using hand gestures and ‘non-words’ around people who aren’t Italian.
By non-words, I mean I’ll say “boh” instead of saying I don’t know. Or the hand gesture that translates more or less as what the ‘heck are you saying’, one hand with the fingers sort of pinched together, bobbing in and out towards the body (I have no idea whether I explained that clearly!).
My non-Italian friends just look at me a little strange, and usually just ignore it…
Ha! I don’t that ALL of the time! Especially with “mah!”
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I find it absolutely fascinating that your fears as expats in Italy are the same as us as Italian expats in the US, and the patterns of recognition of each other are the same (Where do you get prosciutto? How do you make real pizza? do you remember that commercial/cartoon/products of when we were kids?) for you. And the native language slipping away in small, tiny steps, with an accent overtaking the other and the words just beyond your mental grasp… I think living abroad is the same for everyone. I think it’s utterly intriguing how we think we’re so different, and yet put in the same conditions we’re really all the same!
Baci
Vanessa
Oh I loved hearing this , Vanessa. I mean, I am not surprised really, it totally makes sense you’d feel the same, but it was great to hear it from an Italian expat in the US. Grazie mille.
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I pronounce English words the Italian way and Italian words the English way. The other day I told my husband we were having ‘spaghetti bolognese’ rather than “pasta al ragu” for dinner for example but I must admit that did feel a bit pretentious to me using the English way of saying it (ie no one says “spaghetti bolognese’ here).
I still say ‘cappuccino” with my usual accent but just can’t bring myself to say “brooshetta” instead of the Italian “brusketta” for bruschetta.
That is funny about brooshetta. I was actually corrected at a restaurant in the US once when I said brusketta! I just went with it … ha ha. FWIW, my husband and his family said alla bolognese so maybe the Romans would just think you were from Calabria!! ha
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I lived in Denmark for 1 year as an exchange student and in one year time I and the other 2 Italian girls had begun talking a language on our own, half italian, 1/4 Danish and 1/4 English…
when I came back my teacher in Italian was horrified at my german-style syntax!
Don’t you love that, though? That made up language that is a mix of many??
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I think, it’s okay!
I’m russian, and this summer I visited Sicilia for only 2 weeks to study la lingua italiana. And in these 2 weeks I almost didnt use my native language, cause there were not many russians, and actually I didn’t want to communicate with them:)
and so, when I came back home, everyone told me that I was speaking in a manner of italians, very fast and sometimes I was saying italian words instead of russian.
And this was after not such a big period of time!!
I liked it! Italia is the most beautiful country for me!:)
Howdy! Thanks for the comment. I agree, Italia is special!!
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…and my first thought about this comes only in Italian:
Non sei ne carne, ne pesce.
It just doesn’t sound as good if I say “You are neither meat, nor fish”
The point is that I began my life in Italy 26 years ago. I have lived long periods there, and long periods in the states, and the one thing I have always battled is that I have never become Italian, but neither am I American anymore. You become something caught in between… and I trust that any person reading this that has not lived cross-culturally for extended periods of full-integration cannot understand.
You WILL make mistakes in English. You WILL continue to make them in Italian… both verbally and culturally. You will simply forever be an ‘in-between’ person.
I still find myself searching for terms in English, and I live 50/50 between the US and Italy now. Seriously, how does one convincingly express “Che Palle” in English, anyway? How about “Boh?”
Ha. “Che palle?” It reminds me of John on Ally McBeal “balls, balls, balls … ” Just not the same, is it?
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