One of my new favorite hobbies is going through my Stat Counter and Lijit reports and discovering which terms readers search to reach this blog. Popular terms include “Pasta Puttanesca Recipe,” “How Do You Eat a Persimmon” and “Things You Shouldn’t Say in Italy” – and we’ll get back to that in a minute.

It is an eye-opening experience, glimpsing into the mind of the average Italophile Internet-searcher, and it brings a certain responsibility that I refuse to take lightly.

So, you asked-or someone did!-and now I’ll answer. Here are five of the most interesting terms that were searched this week on My Bella Vita.

photo credit: Spencer E Holtaway

1. Che Cazzo Fa

See? I told you we’d get back to things you should say.

Che Cazzo Fa is literally translated as “What the …” wait, we’ve been over this. I’ve already warned you about this one.

2. You Dirty Pig in Italian

You dirty pig-or brutto porco-is yet another example of something you shouldn’t really say. I pressed my husband for details on this expression and his words to me, and thus to you, were, “Cherrye, you shouldn’t really say it. It is not very … classy.”

He did, however, admit that friends freely toss this term around when joking with each other.

3. Why Do Italians Say Ma Va

I almost fell out of my chair reading this because I instantly envisioned a young Italian-American struggling to decipher the words his grandmother muttered in moments of frustration as she walked around her kitchen table.

Seriously, can’t you see it?

She’s walking around the room, an over-sized moo-moo like dress hanging to her knees-in my vision it is white with tiny red and pink flowers-and she’s throwing her hands into the air in utter annoyance, muttering, “ma va …”

Ok. I’m back.

Anyway, dear Google searcher, your grandmother-yes, I’m still hung up on that-says ma va as a precursor to the granddaddy of Italian expressions, “ma vafaculo.”

And no. It isn’t nice to say.

4. Flirting with Italian Men

Interestingly enough, my blogging pal, Jessica of Why Go Italy recently wrote an article about impressing Italians. Her tips might help if you’re looking to date one or take him home to mamma. I’d also recommend you flirt unabashedly.

They do.

And you know … when in Rome.

5. Should I Sleep with an Italian Man

Seriously, I could not make this stuff up.

So, honey, if you re-Google this or come back here on the seemingly off-chance that I answered your question, you are in luck.

My initial thought was, “it works for me!”

But then I decided to go the more responsible route and reply with “get to know your partner and use a condom. Or just in case he doesn’t speak English … un preservativo!

Bloggers, have you had any funny search terms come up in your stats lately? Please share. And readers, feel free to leave a comment or question. This little post could turn into a series.

(This post was originally published on this site in May, 2007)

Old Wives’ Tales.

We’ve all heard them. We’ve all repeated them. We might even believe a few of them.

Like, “Don’t play with fire or you’ll wet the bed,” which always scared me a little bit.

Or, “Don’t cross your eyes or they’ll stay that way,” which I believed until I was in my 20s!

Or even, “If you swallow gum, it will stay in your system for seven years,” which I am embarrassed to admit I believed until I researched this article!

Stop laughing.

Please…

The funny thing about Old Wives’ Tales, though, is that most of the time intelligent, logical-minded people (myself included, despite the above revelations) know they are not true.

This is sooo not the case for Southern Italians. In fact, to hear them, you’d be amazed how we have managed to dodge death all these years and how the American race hasn’t yet become extinct.

Therefore, since I have been fortunate enough to be bestowed with this knowledge, I feel I absolutely must, in good faith, pass this information on to you. Consider yourself warned!

photo credit: Fiore S. Barbato

Did you know you are risking DEATH if you…

- Walk around with wet hair? Oh yes, my friends, death could come a knockin’ – so keep your head dry (and covered, if possible) at all times. Peppe’s dad warned me once against this, but stubborn ole me, didn’t listen. A few hours later I had a bad headache. Hmmm ….

- Stay outside in the cold without a coat? Apparently you can get pneumonia which will inevitably lead to a quick demise. This includes, not only a coat and close-toed shoes (until summer arrives) but long-sleeves when there is wind and socks after dark. Proceed with caution and avoid that draft whenever possible!

- Sit in front of the air-conditioning? Well, maybe you won’t DIE from this, but you could catch a horrific sore throat! Apparently the cold air, when blown directly towards your face, is toxic. Who knew? So, once again – dodge that draft!

- Use the air conditioning? Who knew Americans were such risk-takers? People throughout the country put their lives at risk every day simply by turning on the air. Italians are much smarter about this. If you are hot, you must stay hot, or your body will react badly and incite a sudden death! I kid you not. My gym is not air conditioned for this very reason, and I have to get plum pissy at home before they turn on the AC in the summer. This, by the way, applies to all central heating units and ceiling fans. Another case of draft dodging? I think so!

- Sit by an open window when the wind is blowing? For reasons similar to the two above examples – I wouldn’t do it!

- Drink ice cold water? Ice water alone won’t cause death but will likely lead to a brutal sore throat. However, after working out or being in the heat, you could die an early death from consuming this ice-poison. Here’s an example: I went for a 45 minute jog the other day and returned home to a locked house. So, I visited Zia M.

Zia M: “Can I get your something “fresh” to drink?”

Me: “Sure! How about some water?”

Zia M: “Oh, no, you can’t have water. Maybe some nice pear juice instead? “Fresh” water will make you sick.”

Me: Thinking … uhh, can I have some stale water, but instead said, “No, I don’t like pear juice. Really, I’ll just have water.”

Zia M brings out the warmer-than-room-temp water, thus causing me to worry about the millions of Americans who drink cold water every day at their local gym. I did, however, feel a pang of guilt for insisting Zia M provide water after a workout. (Inevitably, forcing her to double-up on her daily Hail Marys since she quite possibly provided the venom that would lead to my swift, albeit foreseeable, death.)

So, to make her feel better I added …

“I have a little headache today … it must be because the weather is changing!”

She agreed and I had once again passed the “I’m-cool-enough-to-be-married-to-your-Godson-even-though-I’m-not-Italian” test!

In addition to the above warnings, you should know that you can “protect” yourself from a sore throat by wearing a scarf tied tightly around your neck, hence covering your throat, and once again, dodging the draft.

You can also prevent an array of undesirable ailments such as diarrhea, infertility, hemorrhoids and pneumonia by wearing slippers in the house. (Infertility?!?)

All laughter aside though, some things really can be fatal! I told Peppe about this post and about some of the information I discovered about Italian wives’ tales.

Me: “You know, Peppe, you CAN go swimming after you eat. You won’t get cramps!”

Peppe: “What? No, Cherrrrrye!”

Me: “Peppe, I just read it.”

Peppe: “No, baby, no … you can DIE from this!”

Me: (trying to conceal a laugh) “What?”

Peppe: “You can screw up your digestion system and you can really DIE!”

Well, I’m glad to know that! Just in time for summer, too.

So, blog readers, take heed! Tell your mothers. Tell your sisters. Tell your friends. It is up to us to let America know the risks lurking at every air duct and water fountain. Are you up for the challenge?

Happy Dodging!

Having a Calabrian father-in-law takes some adjustments.

- No matter how much you eat, it is never enough.

- You have to learn a new language to communicate, and I’m not talking about Italian.

- And no matter how hard you try you might never-ever!-decipher his hand gestures and grunts.

But all that aside, having a Calabrian father-in-law really takes the torta.

And here is why.

1. It is never boring

I’ve written a lot about how funny Italians are, especially my Calabrian suocero, Nino who told his sister he prays for me every night … because he is worried I don’t eat enough.

He also called the weather a bastard and told me I’ve given his son a disease, when my husband refused another piece of chicken and more broccoli … and a few weeks ago, he did it again.

My husband was serving guests at our bed and breakfast and one of them walked outside to enjoy the crisp Calabrian air. I heard my father-in-law mumble something under his breath, followed by a classic “Nino” grunt.

“What did you say?” I asked, thinking he was speaking to me.

“Ah, nothing.” He grumbled. “I thought that was Peppinuccio outside in shorts-but it is not. It is some other asshole!”

2. Every day is a gift day

Likely in an attempt to offset the fact that, at least in his mind, I don’t eat enough, every other day or so is “gift day.” Like many Calabrians, my father-in-law goes grocery shopping every day and almost every day he comes back with a surprise for me.

Check out the loot I got last week. Two Nutella Snacks (with tea), a three-pack of Pocket Espresso and a Kinder Sorpresa. What is not pictured is the two-pack of Gran Soleil desserts. Yum!

3. You can’t pull one over on him

I considered posting a photo to help you visualize my Calabrian father-in-law experience, and like any blogger worth her Wordpress widgets, I asked my subject’s permission.

“Nino,” I began slowly. “I would like to put a picture of you on … ilmiosito … , ok?”

“What?” He asked. You know, he doesn’t hear well.

“A picture. Of you. sulmiosito.”

He looked at me, not smiling.

So I bargained.

“If you let me use your picture, I’ll eat meat. Every day.”

“Watch out,” my husband warned.

“Every day this week,” I clarified quickly.

He looked at me.

“Well,” I told my husband in English. “He didn’t say no.”

Nino’s head jerked up.

“No?” He repeated the one word he’d understood correctly.

“But I’ll eat meat every day.” I told him. “Please?”

“You’re tricking me,” he told me. “You can’t trick me!”

And that was that.

So, dear blog readers, I’m sorry, but you will have to continue to visualize my 70-something year old father-in-law, with his white hair, neatly combed back, his thin-rimmed glasses and gruff grin until I can convince him to pose.

Or you could just come visit us at our bed and breakfast. He shows up here from time to time, too.

Are your in-laws from a different culture than you? What are some of your favorite moments or stories?

Little old men in southern Italy have been making homemade wines since they could walk, unfortunately, after taste-testing the different kinds of homemade wine … you can’t walk.

And that is pretty much where I was a few weeks ago when I agreed to go on an interpreting trip to Basilicata to help some fellow Calabrians communicate with long-lost American relatives.

Nice picture, eh?

Well, see that little ole man standing on the right? Let’s just say Ernest and Julio should have outsourced to Potenza, because this signore here has acres after acres of fresh grapes, sprouting on the vine, anxious to pop and share their wine-making juices with the world.

Since I was a special guest , he gave me one of his handmade baskets and let me fill it to the brim with fresh grapes.

Oh yea … those baskets are handmade. You have to be resourceful when you make this much wine.

Apparently, he used to sell most of it, but today, it is just a labor of love for him, his wife of 62 years and his children, grandchildren and special friends.

I like most homemade wines and love when the vino novello comes out each fall. What about you? Do you like homemade wines or are you more of the older-is-better type of wine connoisseur?

Just like everything else where you have to take the good with the bad, living in Italy-and learning its romantic, sing-song language, has its bad side.

photo credit: stevendepolo

Luckily for me, the bad side is the fun side. A few months ago, Jessica at Why Go Italy listed her 8 favorite Italian curse words and later followed up with 12 more words from her Reader’s Choice.

And yes … those are good ones. But just for fun, here are 3 of my most sinfully favorite curse word expressions in Italian that you could, but shouldn’t let your mamma hear you say.

1. Ma che cazzo

Most often muttered when someone does or says something you don’t understand and partnered with the uplifted pinched fingers. It means, “what the F&ck are you talking about?”

And it is fun to say.

2. Porca puttana

Put “porca” in front of a word and it automatically gets dirtier. In this case, porca puttana or “pig whore,” can be used you are mad about something … like, “The airline tickets are double what we paid last year. Porca puttana!”

3. Puttana d’ Eva

This was one of the first Italian curse expressions I learned and it just goes to show how much the human race-or at least, the Italians, blame Eve for their maladies.

While calling Eve a whore is never a nice thing, the whole idea behind getting pissed at Eve because you drop your book (or any other little thing you do where you would normally say “damn”) is just plain funny.

Although I don’t use this expression often, it always makes me smile. Yes, I know where I’m going …

But what about you? Do you tend to curse more in another language than you do in English? What are some of your favorites?

And no. I don’t mean sticky, gluey, undercooked, overcooked or otherwise inedible pasta. I mean bad pasta. As in “lady of the night” bad. Whore bad. Hooker bad.

Or as we they say in Italy … Puttana bad.

Yep. That’s right. One of Italy’s most famous pasta sauces gets its name from the run-around wife who, according to one of our Roman friends, would rush home after an elicit love affair and whip up an easy pasta sauce for her husband and children.

Sound crazy?

Well it might be. I tried to confirm the origins of this sauce with another Roman friend who said the name derived from the 1950’s when whore houses were a big business and a brothel’s madam would entice customers to their house with the promise of dinner … then dessert.

Diane Seed confirms this theory in her book Top 100 Pasta Sauces when she writes that “Italian housewives usually shop at the market every day to buy fresh food, but the (brothel employees) were only allowed one day a week for shopping, and their time was valuable. Their specialty became a sauce made quickly from odds and ends.”

Ahhh … Italians.

Well, even if you are a good girl, you can spice things up and make Pasta Puttanesca tonight for your friends, your husband … or your lover.

Here’s the deal.

Ingredients*:
(Serves two)
>> 1/2 pound of pasta
>> 1/4 cup of black olives
>> 1 tablespoon of capers
>> 1 large can of tomato sauce
>> Olive oil
>> Garlic

Directions:

1. Boil pasta in salted water.

2. Lightly saute garlic in olive oil, then add tomato sauce and cook for 10 minutes.

3. Add chopped olives and capers (unless you are lazy like me-then you can just toss them in) and cook for another 10-15 minutes.

4. Add to pasta and serve without cheese.

* The original recipe calls for anchovies (1-3) but since I’m not a fan, I always omit them. If you like, grind them with your fork and add them to the olive oil before you add the tomato sauce.

Buon Appetito!

 
It is a rather sore subject for those of us living in the toe of the Bel Paese and something we briefly hit on during a post and comments a few weeks ago, but just for kicks-here are FOUR more crazy things I’ve overheard or been told lately here in Bella Calabria.
 
You know how in America people in your grandparents’ generation blurt things out, offer unsolicited advice and insist their way is the only way? Well they are like that here in Calabria, too. Only it isn’t just the old folks. About a month ago I was invited to dinner at a  neighbor’s home. She made a salad-which in all honesty was a freshly cleaned head of lettuce-and asked if I wanted to add something on top. “Salt,” she asked? “Olive oil? Vinegar?”
 
“Sure,” I told her. “I’ll add salt and black pepper.”
 

photo credit: ansik

 
Gasp! Followed by a small step back and a horrified look. “Black pepper? On your salad?”
 
Finally she conceded.
 
“But just a little,” She added as she handed me the grinder. “It will give you a kidney infection.”
 
***
 

photo credit: toadstool ring

 
Speaking of kids, I went to teach English to one of my most preziosa students a few weeks ago and took her some “American” chocolate chips cookies I’d recently snagged at a local store.
 
Like most 10-year-old kids, she gobbled up a cookie in 20 seconds. When I offered her another one, she shook her head wisely and said, “Oh no, Cherrye. I can’t. Too much chocolate is bad for your teeth!”
 
(I mean isn’t that precious? How many 10-year-olds do you know who’d turn down chocolate chip cookies?)
 
***
 
Remember my classroom drama from the last few weeks? Well, Americans and Italians aren’t the only ones acting up in class. Last week, my friend, Laura, was working on an assignment-an assignment, remember that they take up and turn into the EU as proof of your class-and she wrote the date across the top. Our teacher immediately took her pencil and erased the date.
 
“We don’t need that,” she exclaimed.
 
Laura was puzzled. “Uhm. Why not?”
 
“We just don’t,” was the curt reply as the teacher took the paper and put it on her desk.
 
Just then, our Russian classmate leaned over to Laura. “You worry too much,” she said. “Questo è un paese menefreghista.” Or rather, “No one here gives a damn!”
 
(The meaning of course being … so why should you?)
 
***
 

photo credit: fauxto_digit

 
If you’ve spent much time here, you might have heard how general and vague the term “American” can be. Anyone from Canada to Argentina is often called an “American,” and some have even been referred to as being my “countrymen.” So it should have come as no surprise when one of my fellow “Americans” had just arrived in Calabria and was enthusiastically told, “You aren’t the only American here! I have someone you can meet.”
 
She showed up, ready to talk shop with a girl from the US of A and was promptly introduced to a girl … from Cuba.
 
“She’s not from America,” the American later told her contact.
 
“Well, almost …” came the quick reply.
 
“Cuba is not that far away!”
 
Have you heard anything cute, bizarre or funny  lately? If so, please share!
 

 
Over the last few months I’ve shared some interesting things Italians do that seem, well … funny to me. From offering us fruit from our own tree to cutting tree limbs from beneath their children, the Italians I live among seem to keep me on my toes.
 
And it is a good thing.
 
I like surprises.
 
But sometimes it isn’t so much what they do that captivates my interest, but what they say … or even, how they say it. In keeping with the “three things” theme, here are three things Italians say that are down right funny to me!
 
1. Longtime readers might remember the never-ending saga of the Calabrese father-in law and the girl who wouldn’t eat and although I haven’t written about my suocero lately, you can bet he hasn’t let up.
 
Poverino has convinced himself that if I don’t eat a bowl of pasta followed with a healthy serving of chicken or beef, topped off with fresh fruit that I might not make it through the night. This isn’t a joke.
 
He seriously believes this.
 
In fact, he believes it so much that he lamented to his sister, who in turn called me and asked me to eat more “so he won’t worry.” She ended her appeal with the guilt-inducing plea of, “he even prays for you to eat! You just have to.”
 

photo credit: modenadude

 
Although the good little people-pleaser I am would love to alleviate my father-in-law’s stress, my jeans ain’t getting any loser … ya know what I mean? But finally, it seems he has turned his attention to someone else.
 
Yesterday, when my husband only accepted a bowl of soup for lunch and didn’t follow up with chicken, or turkey or whatever other poultry dear old Dad had in the pot, he muttered, “Chi va con lo zoppo, impara a zoppicare.”
 
Or rather, “If you walk with someone who limps, you start to limp.”
 
It didn’t take a master translator to get the jab, especially when he followed it up with a mini growl and scowl pointed in my direction.
 

photo credit: flickrohit

 
2. But I shouldn’t be surprised. My father-in-law is full of funny sayings and odd-ball remarks … or maybe it is just the Italian language translations that get me.
 
Last month we found ourselves in yet another torrential downpour here in Bella Calabria. Upon looking out of the rain-streaked windows, he said, “Questo tempo …,” followed with a little grunt. “Il tempo è bastardo!”
 
Apparently it was just funny to me because everyone looked at me strangely when I laughed. But come on, English speakers, it is odd to call the weather a bastard because it won’t stop raining, right? Right?
 
3. Luckily for me, odd-sounding translations are fun in reverse, too.
 
On March 13, exactly one month from the day my dad passed away, I found my first gray strand. I yanked that hideous hair from my head quicker than a mouse could eat his mozzarella and immediately handed it over to my husband for inspection.
 
“Yep,” he announced. “It is gray. But don’t worry, it can’t be yours … it is too short.”
 
“That is because it was from my bangs!” I screamed frantically.
 
“Don’t worry,” he told me reassuringly. “When you get gray hairs you paint them. Women just paint them and then they go away.”
 
Ahh, if it were only that simple.
 
Have you heard any funny sayings in Italian lately? Heard anything funny in any other languages? Please share.
 

 
Stop the Presses!
 
Call your loved ones …
 
A new, all-natural replacement for Pfizer’s power-pill has been discovered.
 
Where?
 
Well, in Calabria, of course.
 
Remember that McFunky place I told you about in Villaggio Mancuso in La Sila?
 
Not only do they sell great wine, homemade jelly and assorted Silan meat and cheese, but they also sell the good stuff.
 
Yep … natural Viagra!
 

 
These chilies are all smiles because inside their containers are some of the most potent peppers you will find in Calabria. Hey. You’d be happy, too if it was you.
 

 
If you are into Calabrian dialect and have good vision, here is the science, more or less.
 

 
It basically says that Calabrian chili peppers are a natural aphrodisiac and that by eating these peppers every day people will notice you are happier and more warmhearted (wink wink) like the people in Calabria.
 
It goes on to tell you how to eat the peppers to achieve various, uhm … responses.
 
I’ve never actually tried the peppers to achieve said results, but I did read it and now so have you. And who says you can’t believe everything you read online?
 
Various Viagra substitutes are found throughout Calabria, such as pepper-flavored chocolate and pepper-flavored liquor. What are some of the Viagra knock-offs you have seen? And tell us … have you tried ‘em?

 
I know, I know … Christmas is over but sometimes when you live in a foreign country (read: Italy) you see funny things you just have to share with the rest of the world.
 
Like, for example the Christmas present I saw last month when I was wrapping up my to-buy list.
 
I was with my Irish pal and I heard her gasp and say, “Now why in the world would they write that?”
 

 
Hmm … I guess someone wasn’t on Santa’s Good List this year …
 
What are some other funky things you have seen written in English in foreign countries? Were any as bad as this? Please share!